Bye bye 2024, time to put your ducks in a row. If ducks are films I saw in the cinema. As ever, ranking is purely my opinion (although my opinion is obviously correct), a movie needs to have been released in the UK during calendar year 2024 and I have to have seen it on the big screen for it to be eligible.
60. The Strangers: Chapter 1
Unrelentingly tedious reboot of an already mediocre home invasion thriller that ramps up nothing but the banality. If your idea of entertainment is watching an insufferable couple hide while a man and a woman in stupid masks walk about slowly then this is the film for you. Otherwise the only scary thing here is the fact they have already filmed chapters two and three.
59. In a Violent Nature
You don't need to make people drink curdled milk to know it would taste awful. Similarly, you shouldn't need to make people watch a slasher film that follows the killer for the whole runtime to know it's a terrible idea. Dialogue is replaced by endless scenes of watching someone's back while they traipse through the woods and there is precisely zero tension. Saved from bottom spot by one hilariously over the top kill.
58. Something in the Water
People stranded in the water at the mercy of sharks has been done a hundred times but seldom has it been as lame as this. It's impossible to tell if the excruciating bridal party stranded at sea are a tedious attempt to poke fun at young millennial/ older gen z women or if someone actually thought this lame "banter" and recycled dialogue would have the audience rooting for their survival. Either way it's a slog to watch and packs the bite of a toothless koala.
57. Madam Webb
Feels like they Sony got stuck half way through making this and just decided to release whatever they had and call it a day. Anyone who has seen Fifty Shades of Grey will attest to Dakota Johnson's ability to get over horrendous dialogue but not even she can sell this nonsense. The only thing as wonky as the script is the CGI and more effort goes into making sure the viewer knows Madam Webb is Spiderman adjacent than making them give a toss about any of the characters.
56. The Crow
90's Action film The Crow was no great shakes but it did have striking visuals and a distinct personality. This version dispenses with any of that in favour of drab grey and fails at anything it tries to add to the formula. The central romance is laughable and the fight scenes take advantage of neither Bill Skarsgard's action chops nor the dead lead character premise. The crow mythology makes no sense and the writing comes off as a middle aged executive trying to channel his inner teenage goth. Perhaps a turkey should be put in charge of ferrying souls to the afterlife
55. Sting
Sadly this is not a biopic of the iconic Police frontman or a deep dive on the legendary wrestler. What it is, is surprisingly dour for a film about an alien spider stalking the residents of an apartment block during a blizzard. There is some humour in the form of an irate pest controller but it's a slow burn, focusing on family drama rather than arachnid antics for most of the runtime. Not automatically a problem but there's only so much watching a stressed out stepdad get treated like garbage you want in a movie like this. (Hint: not this much.) Needed to be either more fun or scarier, not that you won't poop your pants if you are arachnophobic.
54. Nightswim
Horror flick about, no joke, a haunted swimming pool. Sadly the movie has no fun with its ridiculous premise, instead trying to play things straight and be one of those horror as a metaphor for family strife movies. That's all good and well but the film makers completely forgot the scares and not even King of the Nepo Babies Wyatt Russel and Banshees of Inisherin alum Kerry Condon can breathe much life into the cookie cutter characters of all American baseball guy and devoted wife, although they do well with what they are given. The central mystery around why that damn water is so spooky is as uninteresting as it is nonsensical.
53. Borderlands
Video game adaptation that does not fare well in the jump to the big screen. Looks about as good as can be expected but falls flat everywhere else as gonzo horror specialist Eli Roth is, for some reason, asked to deliver a family friendly action romp based on a crude shoot em up. A plot this basic needs zippy dialogue and likeable characters to carry it along but instead we get stale archetypes and limp banter with the base humour that works fine in snippets while you shoot things in a game just plain annoying when its supposed to hold your full attention.
52. Kraven the Hunter
Was anyone asking for a movie based on this second tier Spiderman villain? Seems unlikely. Still, had this just been ninety minutes of Aaron Taylor-Johnson dispatching crime bosses while looking cool and being ripped it could have been fun. Unfortunately, that's only the first ten minutes. We then settle down for over two hours of terribly paced nonsense that includes a thirty minute flashback that could have been covered in a few lines of dialogue and constant nods (read threats) towards other films they want to make. Bonus points for Russell Crowe's insane Russian accent.
51. Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire
Marks a line in the sand where Ghostbusters sequels go from being ho-hum to outright bad. Starts out attempting to marry 2021's Afterlife with the 80's original by having the new Spengler family setting up shop in the classic fire station but any hope of this working is soon buried under a non stop deluge of new characters, old faces and side plots in a failed attempt to set up an extended universe ripe for spin offs. Also has the stupidest looking antagonist in a series not exactly renowned for great villains.
50. Tarot
A group of friends start to be picked off one by one after having their fortunes read with a cursed deck of tarot cards. Constantly dull lighting and suspiciously empty streets give the film an air of cheapness and the characters are thinner than the cards they read from. On the plus side it respects your time, getting straight to the point and not outstaying its welcome. With a bit more imagination in the kills and at least a passing effort in the character back and forth it could almost have been worth a recommendation.
49. The Watchers
Debut effort from M. Night Shyamalan's daughter Ishana shows promise but suffers from some teething problems. The set-up is intriguing, with a group of strangers stranded in an isolated house where mysterious beings come to watch them every night but it struggles to decide what to do from there and ends up over explaining itself when a more experienced film maker might of had the confidence to wrap it up. Decent cast that could have done better.
48. Baghead
Seems every other horror film these premise days started life as a short and this basic but serviceable story about a monster in the basement that can let people talk to the dead is another of those. Has its moments but attempts to leverage the premise to say something about family and moving on from loss lack any sort of substance. The witch that gives the movie its title is fairly creepy and the presence of Peter Mullin gives proceedings a bit of gravitas.
47. Mothers' Instinct
Sub (sub, sub) Hitchcockian drama about a grieving mother taking a potentially sinister interest in her neighbour's kid. The period setting looks fantastic and in Anne Hathaway and Jessica Chastain it has two outstanding leads but the weak sauce screenplay takes the most obvious turn at every juncture and rather than steadily build tension it meanders along before quickly escalating to a rushed ending. The craft and talent on display deserves better.
46. Venom: The Last Dance
The Venom films should never have worked but lucked into something watchable by casting Tom Hardy and just letting him go crazy with a homoerotic love story between a man and his alien symbiote. That bit is still strong but sadly, being the last of a trilogy, The Last Dance feels the need to sideline Eddie and Venom's bickering banter in favour of "epic" stakes. This was never likely to pay off, especially when the villain is a joke and the film feels too small to believe the situation is world threatening.
45. Trap
Josh Hartnett plays serial killer "The Butcher", who must navigate a concert set up to trap him while not spoiling his daughter's big day out. Nothing makes a lick of sense but it's a great role for Hartnett and the cat and mouse game that takes place within the concert is very entertaining. Things come apart in the final third as the action leaves the venue and drags on past at least two natural end points. Also held back a bit by director M. Night Shyamalan's insistence on making his pop star daughter the focus of proceedings.
44. Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes
While the effects still impress, this is a massive comedown from the previous trilogy. The main characters aren't massively compelling, with new lead Noa believing everything or nothing he is told depending on what is convenient for the story at any given point. Villain Proximus is the most entertaining of the apes and he has nowhere near enough screen time, probably because the aim here seems to be to deliver the bare minimum story while laying the ground for future sequels.
43. The Front Room
Directing debut of twins Max and Sam Eggars is interesting but someway short of big brother Robert's cinematic mastery. Features good turns from Brandy as a stressed mum to be and Katheryn Hunter as her financially generous but overbearing and slightly racist religious nut of a mother in law. Also has a good amount of atmosphere as the two battle for superiority but any point the film is trying to make gets lost somewhere amongst the incontinence and, shock horror, old person nudity.
42. Argyle
Fun enough action romp with Bryce Dallas Howard and Sam Rockwell providing chemistry and charisma as a future predicting thriller writer and the spy trying to keep her safe from a shadowy organisation after the manuscript for her latest novel. Stupid and over the top enough to be entertaining even if it is a bit too CGI heavy and every twist is visible a mile off. Be prepared for disappointment if you're a huge Henry Cavil fan though as him and his square hair barely feature.
41. Abigail
A vampiric little girl turns the tables on her ransomers in this moderately enjoyable horror comedy. Has fun moments but is never quite as entertaining as the premise suggests it would be, partly down to the fact the trailers gave away the reveal and partly down to the movies insistence that the audience should sympathise with the child kidnapping main character. It does feature some entertaining performances, especially from child star Alisha Weir as the diminutive bloodsucker and the always reliable Dan Stevens.
40. Smile 2
Follow up to 2022's breakout horror is big step up in terms of character, with Naomi Scott putting in one of the year's great performances as a feisty but manipulated music star looking to make a comeback after drug issues and a car crash that claimed the life of her boy friend. The "smile" stuff just holds things back. Without the novelty and mystery of the first film, people randomly smiling at you isn't particularly scary and a late twist renders the entire third act redundant. Director Parker Finn will likely move on to more interesting things.
39. Terrifier 3
This ultra gory, low budget killer clown movie won't be for most people. It isn't even a particularly good film but deserves praise for sheer gumption. Over three movies, creator Damion Leone has turned a genuine DIY film project into a $100 million plus box office phenomenon. With each film becoming a little more mainstream than the last it will be interesting to see where the franchise ends up and what its maker does when he's finished with the demonic mime. Bonus points for having a catchy Christmas song about murder.
38. Deadpool and Wolverine
Depending on your point of view this is either a hilarious stroll down memory lane packed with high end cameos and fan service or a cynical IP clusterfuck designed to milk maximum box office bucks with minimal effort. It's the least of the Deadpool movies but still pretty funny and many of the character interactions are entertaining. Works best when playing as a straight up comedy as the parts where it suddenly decides to take itself super seriously fall flat. A shame characters from the previous film get sidelined for all the multiverse shenanigans.
37. Never Let Go
Great performances from Halle Berry and the two child actors as a family living isolated in the woods, with the mother insisting they must be tethered to the house at all times lest the nameless evil that has laid the rest of the world low claims their souls. Atmosphere is great and you'll be completely invested in wanting everything to work out for the boys but some of the twists don't play as they should since, once you've decided whether the threat is real or psychological, its unlikely you'll change your mind.
36. Speak No Evil
Quick fire American (although English set) remake of the traumatising 2022 Danish psychological thriller about a family that go to visit people they met on holiday. As in the original, social awkwardness escalates to dread and flat out panic as the hosts behaviour becomes more and more disturbing but the bleak finale has been completely changed to something much more Hollywood. While this kind of scuppers the entire theme of the movie it makes it more palatable for a wide audience and said audience is treated to another genre uplifting performance from James McAvoy.
35. Bad Boys: Ride or Die
Nearly 30 years on and the Bad Boys can still get the job done. The jokes land more than they don't (although the ones that miss are stomach churninglyey cringey) and Lawrence and Smith's chemistry is as strong as ever, with Martin Lawrence in particular getting to remind everyone why he was such a big star. Feels like every action scene is shot in a different way keeping the set pieces fresh throughout, although motion sickness inducing first person action scenes in movies can piss right off.
34. Boy Kills World
There may be umpteen "boy watches family die, grows up and seeks revenge" movies but there is only one "mute boy watches family die, grows up being trained by a forest shaman and seeks revenge in a brightly coloured dystopia while the ghost of his sister accompanies him and everything is narrated by the announcer from his favourite childhood video game movie". It's this one. Predictable twists and light on substance but inventive and gnarly fighting. If you want to watch Bill Skarsgard beat up people who wronged him check this out rather than the dismal The Crow.
33. The Beekeeper
Jason Statham does what he does best, gruffly mow his way through scores of baddies using cars, guns, knives and fists. There's also slimy tech guys, corrupt politicians, a couple of detectives to follow in Stath's wake marvelling at how bad ass he is and some absolutely insane dialogue delivered as if it was everyday chit chat. Brings precisely what you want from this kind of film and not a drop more. Don't worry about Jason's attempt at an (American?) accent, he gives up on it pretty quick.
32. The First Omen
Plenty of atmosphere and is made with real reverence for the original Omen (as well as other horror classics from that time) but can never quite escape the fact that it's a prequel and therefore inherently pointless. Plot of "women has baby" can only be stretched so far and trying to add mystery into a story we already know is a waste of time. Still, has a fantastic lead performance and some really stylish and creepy imagery. Props to director Arkasha Stevenson for over delivering on what could have been a by the numbers name check.
31. Wicked
Musical adaptation takes full advantage of the leap to the big screen with massive sets and huge grand set piece songs recalling the original Wizard of Oz. Cynthia Erivo puts in a power house performance as future Wicked Witch Elphaba and ending on the musical's show stopper tune gives us a natural ending despite this only being part one of the story. Runs long due to the need to add in bridging story while keeping all the songs and not all of said story completely hangs together.
30. Wicked Little Letters
Small story of abusive letters being sent in a 1920s seaside town is based loosely on a true story and the, pretty hilarious, letters used are the same as the ones that were actually sent. Well acted with the likes Jessie Buckley, Olivia Coleman and Timothy Spall on hand and genuinely funny. Might be considered a little twee to be dealing with some of the themes on display but the stakes for the women accused are real and you'll be rooting for justice to prevail.
29. Godzilla X Kong : The New Empire
The dumbest big fun of the year and the most insane of the American Godzilla movies to date as multi-storey Kaiju punch, kick, bite, suplex and fire beams at each other. Sometimes in zero gravity. Kong is the main character here, a smart choice since he can emote like a human but that means the actual human characters are relegated to pure comic relief or exposition and spending so much time in the hollow earth means the sense of scale is lost a little bit. Nevertheless, a hugely entertaining spectacle if you like huge monsters.
28. A Quiet Place : Day One
27. Cuckoo
26. Alien: Romulus
25. The Fall Guy
Part rom com, part action caper, part love letter to the stunt community. Ryan Gosling oozes charm even as his idiotic hitman is perpetually in over his head and his scenes with Emily Blunt are funny and packed with chemistry, although she is in nowhere near enough of the movie. Ending feels a little drawn out but the jokes are funny and the stunts are cool. Worth staying right to the end as fantastic behind the scenes footage shows how the stunts were achieved.
24. Twisters
Sequel (of sorts) to 1996's Twister doesn't follow on from or reference its predecessor in any way but does bring the spirit of mid 90s blockbusters into the modern movie theatre as good looking people are put through their paces against a backdrop of over the top Americana. Star Spangled banners fly and cheesy dialogue a plenty is spouted as Daisy Edgar Jones and Glenn Powell risk it all to gather the weather data needed to stop twisters from "coming for everything we love". A masterclass in nailing the exact tone you are going for.
23. Juror #2
22. Beetlejuice Beetlejuice
21. Monkey Man
Realising that (despite his real life martial arts credentials) he would never be cast as the lead in an action film, Dev Patel decided to write and direct one for himself. What lifts this Indian set revenge thriller apart from the regular glut of John Wick wannabes is the genuine anger on display. Patel takes shots from behind the camera at the right wing authoritarians in charge of India as his on screen hero dishes out visceral beatings to corrupt policemen, politicians and phoney holy men. Bone crunching fights and a fallible hero help raise the stakes.
20. The Bikeriders
Based on a series of interviews and photographs this story of the formative years of a motorcycle gang (name changed for legal and safety reasons) is more a portrait of a time and place rather than a focused narrative story. Carried by a trio of great performances as Jodie Comer and Tom Hardy vie for the devotion of charismatic nihilist Austin Butler. There's a lot more sitting round in a bar talking than there is action but that doesn't stop it from being engrossing and the juxtapose of how the large bike gangs started against what they became is fascinating.
19. Immaculate
The other pregnant nun in a creepy convent story, this is a more satisfying watch than The First Omen as it ditches subtlety and reverence for volume and a focus on delivering the gnarly goods, not to mention the benefits of not being a prequel. The first few minutes set the tone and solid enough scares and character work keep things ticking along until a barn burner of an ending lifts the film to a whole other level. A great showcase for lead actress (and producer) Sydney Sweeney who established herself as a major Hollywood player this year.
18. MaXXXine
The final part of the unconventional trilogy that began with X and continued with last year's Pearl switches up genres again, this time channeling a nasty, 80's sexual thriller. The grimy look and feel of the era are present and correct and Mia Goth shines again, although this isn't as much of a showstopper role as Pearl. The final act is divisive but fitting and there are fun roles for Giancarlo Esposito as a no nonsense agent and Kevin Bacon as the skeeziest of private investigators.
17. Heretic
Tense thriller that manages to have a debate without descending into one note religion bashing as Sophie Thatcher and Chloe East's Mormon missionaries find themselves in an increasingly ominous theological debate with the seemingly mild mannered Hugh Grant. Grant is in the form of his life as he merges the bumbling charm of his rom com days with the vicious whit of his recent outings and adds in some surprisingly steely menace. Becomes something of a more standard horror come the end but the back and forth as awkward manners give way to increasing panic is glorious.
16. Longlegs
Evil and malice radiate from the screen in the most atmospheric horror of the year as a potentially psychic young FBI agent joins the team trying to solve a long running series of family murders where the only unifying factor is a cryptic note signed "Longlegs". Director Oz Perkins likes things to move at a glacial pace and this is no exception but every one of the hour and forty minutes is spent on edge and Nick Cage delivers a uniquely unsettling performance as the title character. Lingers after the credits the roll.
15. Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga
In the nine years since its release, previous Mad Max film Fury Road has achieved almost mythical status. To follow up, George Miller ditches Max and makes a prequel that is almost the antithesis of its predecessor. Where that film was all character and no plot, Furiosa is epic story stretched over 15 years. As pretentious as it is spectacular and as ambitious as it is unwieldy, it isn't to everyone's taste but it is one hell of a unique spectacle.
14. Joker : Folie a Deux
2019 smash Joker was never meant to have a sequel, never mind one like this. A musical courtroom romance, it does carry on the themes of the first movie but in a very different way. Relentlessly downbeat with the possibility of a happy ending clearly only ever a delusion but boasts fantastic cinematography and performances while representing the kind of big swing film making that should be applauded. Proved to be box office suicide but will live much longer in the memory than a generic comic book sequel or repeat instalment of Scorsese-lite would have.
13. Civil War
A grounded and at times terrifyingly tense look at a modern American civil war that takes the form of a mid apocalyptic road rip. More a look at journalism than current politics (fascism is bad OK), grandstanding and huge battles are out in favour of representing the messiness and surreal nature of a civil war. The fate of each character is pretty predictable but that doesn't rob events of their impact. Hopefully director Alex Garland doesn't follow through on his intent to make this his last film.
12. The Iron Claw
Soul crushing but beautifully made story of the wrestling Von Erich family and the many, many tragedies that befell them as a father demands his sons bring him the glory that eluded him during his own career. Zac Efron makes the most of his physical gifts as childlike eyes stare out from his hulking physique and make the audience feel every bump, tear and heartbreak. Props for managing to end on a happy note and if you think the film is too grim just remember the real story is even worse. There was a whole other brother.
11. Gladiator 2
Is this as good as the original? No, but who cares. Its a rip roaring historical epic (emphasis on the epic, not the history) as new lead Paul Mescal takes on monster monkeys, rhino riding arena champions and a water and shark filled coliseum against a back drop political scheming in a failing Rome. The story ain't no great shakes but that's overshadowed by the scale of the movie making with huge sets (they built the entire coliseum) and hundreds of extras bringing Ridley Scott's world to life. The only thing bigger is Denzel Washington's colossal performance.
10. Kinds of Kindness
Three bizarre stories of relationships and obsession with very little actual kindness on display. Actors play different roles in each segment with director Yorgos Lanthimos returning to his darker and more nihilistic roots but keeping the humour. Jesse Plemons and Emma Stone take centre stage as we are introduced to a world of domination, doppelgängers, self-mutilation and cults. Even weirder than it sounds on paper but always entertaining and unique. Crazy to think this isn't even Lanthimos and Stone's best collaboration of the year.
9. Conclave
8. Challengers
The trailers may have made this look like some sort of teen sex comedy but it is so much more, exploring a decade of messy relationships between three friends and lovers via the medium of a tennis grudge match. Jumping between three different narrative timelines takes a bit of getting used to but Challengers is simultaneously one of the all time great sports movies and not a sports movie at all, not requiring the viewer to have any knowledge of, or interest in, tennis at all.
7. Dune Part 2
Delivers on the promise of part 1 in spectacular fashion. Denis Villeneuve dispenses with any extraneous world building and shortens up the event timeline in order to focus on the version of the story he wants to tell and the clarity pays off as outstanding visual design and cinema shaking sound combine to set a new standard in grand sci fi realism. Star performances at every turn and even manages to squeeze in a little humour. Visionary directing meets blockbuster production.
6. The Substance
A tale of vanity, misogyny, self damage, generational resentment and desperation told through the lens of a high contrast modern parable drenched in colour and contorted by some of the most unique and grotesque body horror of recent years. Demi Moore's turn as an aging actress desperate to stay youthful is more than just meta casting, it's a triumphant return and the her best ever performance. A must see, providing you have a strong stomach as the only thing ickier than the visuals is the ear shivering sound design.
5. Blink Twice
The only disappointing thing about Zoe Kravitz searing directorial debut is the fact it had its name changed from the far superior "Pussy Island". All is not as it seems on billionaire Channing Tatum's luxury island and Naomi Ackie begins to believe going away with bunch of strangers might have been a mistake. Looks fantastic and it's stylishly cut but the real marvel is the way it remains light and fun throughout while tackling some truly horrible subject matter.
4. The Holdovers
A cantankerous professor and rebellious student remain behind at an elite boarding school over the Christmas holidays in 1970. Made in the style of the classic films of its period setting and (unlike nearly every other film that has tried) is good enough to stand amongst the very best of that era. Characters that could easily be one note are deeply textured (and played superbly by every cast member) and the writing packs plenty of feeling without ever straying near cheesy sentimentality.
3. Love Lies Bleeding
The bleakness of a modern western meets the spirit of triumphant romance in this story of lesbian love in a world of bodybuilding and gun running. Steroids, blood, vomit and other fluids practically ooze from the screen and the chemistry between the leads is so sincere you'll feel guilty for watching. As darkly funny at times as it is wince inducingly violent at others it sprinkles some magical realism over the grit. It (along with 2019's Saint Maud) marks director Rose Glass as one of the most unique new voices in film.
2. Poor Things
Hollywood's premier absurdist Yorgos Lanthimos returns with this visually audacious tale of a newborn adult exploring the world through relationships, travel and furious jumping. Packed with observations and gut shakingly funny, it is impossible not to be mesmerised by the art style and enthralled by Emma Stone's central performance. A glorious explosion of imagination in a steam punk painting viewed through a fish eyed lens. Lanthimos's most optimistic, and probably most outright enjoyable, film to date.
1. Anora
Striper marries oligarch's son in Sean Baker's latest slice of humanist film making. Hilariously funny and microscopically detailed, what begins as a modern, down to earth Pretty Women infuses almost slapstick comedy with bitter realism and takes you on a rollercoaster that'll leave you empty and full at the same time. Mikey Madison is outstanding as Ani, one of the most fully textured, realistic and likeable lead character you'll ever see. Essential viewing.
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