Dan Says its Alright

  The start of another year means it's time for the annual "Jason Statham is a retired killing machine trying to live a quiet life but being forced to start stacking obituaries" movie. The typically nondescript title of this year's offering is Shelter and Stath's former special forces badass is called Michael Mason. When the British government agency that he used to drop bodies for comes calling at his remote Scottish lighthouse he is forced to take action, something that is complicated by the presence of a young orphan girl named Jessie (Bodhi Rae Breathnach). While our protagonist and his reluctant charge tear across the countryside, Naomi Ackie (criminally underused here) and Bill Nighy (putting in just enough effort to get by) scheme against each other at Spy HQ.  Jason Statham movies can essentially be judged on three criteria; Does he get to do cool action? Are the bad guys formidable enough? Is the plot and dialogue entertainingly cheesy rather than just e...

Thanks to Evil Dead and Spider-Man, Sam Raimi will forever be associated with horror and superhero movies, but he has actually dipped his toe in many genres, from Westerns to sports movies. Send Help appears to be his twisted take on a rom-com. A good looking guy and an also good looking but awkward woman are stuck getting to know each other in a tropical paradise in a classic romance setup. In a slight break from tradition, proceedings are garnished with buckets of blood and puke and served with a side of black slapstick and maiming. Said couple is Rachel McAdams as super competent, but socially inept business strategist Linda, and Dylan O'Brien as Bradley, Linda's douchebag boss who passes her over for promotion as soon as he inherits daddy's company. When the private jet they are travelling in goes down they find themselves the only survivors as they await rescue from a remote island. Similarly to 2022's Triangle of Sadness, the power dynamics are completely shifted ...

With Iron Lung, YouTuber Markiplier, real name Mark Fischbach, becomes the latest content creator to dip his toe into the world of feature film production. His effort is not as accomplished as the work of the Philippou Brothers (creators of Talk to Me and Bring Her Back) but it's a lot more striking and original than last year's Shelby Oaks (directed by YouTube film critic Chris Stuckmann).  The film is based on a relatively niche video game of the same name, which was made by solo developer David Szymanski (who helped with the film's screenplay) and is set inside a submarine exploring an ocean of blood. We follow exactly the same premise here as our protagonist, a convict named Simon, spends the entire runtime welded into a decrepit submersible on a distant moon trying to earn his freedom. What his superiors are specifically looking for is unclear but he is told the blood ocean holds resources vital to the survival of mankind, who has been pushed to the brink of extinctio...

Is This Thing On ? is inspired by the story of English comedian John Bishop, who attended a comedy open mic night while going through a divorce and went on to become a successful comedian and regular fixture on British television. The focus here, however, is not on an emerging comedy career but on the way finding a creative outlet gives the central character an injection of life and a new perspective on, and possibly a chance to save, his broken marriage. The premise is well executed but there isn't enough insight to prop up the threadbare story. Based on a UK comedian they may be, but events here are transported to New York. The film opens with Alex Novak (Will Arnett) looking lost at his kid's assembly before we witness him and wife Tess (Laura Dern) calmly decide to call time on their marriage. Feeling lonely (and broke) Alex signs up for an open mic spot in order to avoid paying the entrance and ends up diving headlong into the world of stand-up comedy, which ends up servin...

28 Years Later : The Bone Temple is a direct sequel to, you guessed it, 28 Years Later. So direct in fact, that they were actually filmed back to back. Nia DaCosta replaces Danny Boyle in the director's chair and accomplishes something pretty remarkable by largely keeping pace with the stellar last instalment while giving Bone Temple a flavour all of its own.  We open with Spike (Alfie Williams) being forced to fight for his life in an empty swimming pool at the command of "Sir Lord Jimmy Crystal" (Jack O'Connell). Despite the young teen being clearly out of his depth, and traumatised, Spike scores a lucky (and gruesome) win over his opponent, earning himself a spot as one of Sir Jimmy's "Fingers". This means the lucky lad now gets to roam the land sporting a tracksuit and blonde wig and torture people to death in the name of Satan, who Sir Jimmy claims is his father. Not the journey of self-discovery Spike was looking for when he left his village at th...

 Another year in the rear view mirror means another ranking of every new release film I caught in the cinema this year. Despite 75 films making the list there are some fairly big omissions so if your favourite isn't on here, just imagine it up near the top. Also, we are talking UK releases.  75. The Stranger Chapter 2 This lame duck franchise props up the rankings for the second year in a row. A little more happens this time round but there is no jeopardy since we know the protagonist needs to make it to part 3. Also undermines its main premise (people might just decide to murder you for no reason) by giving the masked killers backstory. At least a section with a wild boar trying to gut somebody means the audience aren't the only ones nearly bored to death. 74. Hurry Up Tomorrow When a musician decides to write and star in their own movie the results are often pompus nonsense, so the problem with this effort from Abel "The Weeknd" Tesfaye isn't that its ridiculous...