Skip to main content

Horoscopes and Horror Tropes

 


Catching a film like Tarot in the cinema in 2024 is weird. It feels like one of those horror films that just sort of appear on a streaming service. One you find deep in bowels of Amazon Prime, take a chance on and are pleasantly surprised to find is more or less fine. Up on the big screen it's still fine but its shortcomings are made very apparent.

To its credit the film wastes no time in getting to the point. It begins with seven friends in a mansion they rented for one of their birthdays and within the first ten minutes main character Haley has read the group their fortunes from a cursed deck of tarot cards they find in the basement. Once they return home the friends begin to be picked off one by one courtesy of a ghost/monster taking the shape of whichever card was drawn in their reading. Exactly how they kill them is a bit muddled, at first it seems they are scaring their victims into "Final Destination" ing themselves but at other times they become more hands (or saws) on.

This lack of clarity runs throughout the film. Tarot cards are great for ominous sounding names and creepy pictures but beyond that the film makers seem far more interested in zodiac signs so invent a weird mythology where the combination of tarot and horoscope is some sort of super magic. This way they don't have to waste time with character build up and can just assign each character their star sign as personality. Thumbs up for efficiency but it doesn't exactly have you routing for the casts survival, especially with the inane filler dialogue they spout anytime they aren't filling the audience in on exactly what is happening. In fact it's downright disappointing anytime one of them doesn't die. The one exception being Paxton, purely because he is played by Jacob Balton  (Ned in the MCU Spiderman films) and his inherent likability has you wanting him to stick around.

Looking forward to characters dying isn't necessarily an issue for a horror film but there aren't enough kills, and they aren't inventive enough to be enjoyable. Tarot is entry level horror so nothing too scary occurs and there isn't any gore, not a problem in itself but when you have a whole deck of cards to inspire the kills someone running in front of a train doesn't really cut it. The feeling of being underwhelmed is reinforced by an air of cheapness. Apart from a brief chat with a cop the seven characters are completely alone, wandering empty streets and corridors. This could be a stylistic choice but combined with the terminally dull lighting it feels like a budget squeeze.

The good things to say about Tarot are that it's competently made and at close to ninety minutes dead on it doesn't take up too much of your time. Compared to some other bargain bin horror out their that's close to a recommendation but it feels made for TV, not the big screen.

5 "this decks kinda strange"s out of 10. 

 


 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Trouble in Paradise

Thanks to Evil Dead and Spider-Man, Sam Raimi will forever be associated with horror and superhero movies, but he has actually dipped his toe in many genres, from Westerns to sports movies. Send Help appears to be his twisted take on a rom-com. A good looking guy and an also good looking but awkward woman are stuck getting to know each other in a tropical paradise in a classic romance setup. In a slight break from tradition, proceedings are garnished with buckets of blood and puke and served with a side of black slapstick and maiming. Said couple is Rachel McAdams as super competent, but socially inept business strategist Linda, and Dylan O'Brien as Bradley, Linda's douchebag boss who passes her over for promotion as soon as he inherits daddy's company. When the private jet they are travelling in goes down they find themselves the only survivors as they await rescue from a remote island. Similarly to 2022's Triangle of Sadness, the power dynamics are completely shifted ...

Gimme Shelter

  The start of another year means it's time for the annual "Jason Statham is a retired killing machine trying to live a quiet life but being forced to start stacking obituaries" movie. The typically nondescript title of this year's offering is Shelter and Stath's former special forces badass is called Michael Mason. When the British government agency that he used to drop bodies for comes calling at his remote Scottish lighthouse he is forced to take action, something that is complicated by the presence of a young orphan girl named Jessie (Bodhi Rae Breathnach). While our protagonist and his reluctant charge tear across the countryside, Naomi Ackie (criminally underused here) and Bill Nighy (putting in just enough effort to get by) scheme against each other at Spy HQ.  Jason Statham movies can essentially be judged on three criteria; Does he get to do cool action? Are the bad guys formidable enough? Is the plot and dialogue entertainingly cheesy rather than just e...

Blow My Whistle

  Whistle is Corin Hardy's third movie, after his 2015 breakout The Hallow and 2018's Conjuring spin-off The Nun. This new horror flick sits halfway between the indie energy of his maiden effort and the box ticking boredom of his big studio follow-up, with self seriousness butting up against dumb fun. The set-up is most reminiscent of Final Destination, with added high school slasher vibes. Chrys (Dafne Keen) moves in with her cousin Rel's (Sky Yang) family following the death of her father. Within about ten minutes of attending her high school she becomes besotted with Sophie Nellisse's Ellie, ends up in detention after a confrontation with loudmouth basketball player Dean (Jhaleil Swaby) and finds an Aztec death whistle in her new locker. Naturally, the teens end up blowing the death whistle which causes them all to be stalked by their future deaths. This manifests as a ghostly apparition of your dead future self who causes you to suffer said death as soon as they to...

Stars and Their Cars

Crime 101 is named for the California freeway one of the characters commits all his robberies along. It also doubles as describing his MO, he is successful because he makes sure he gets the fundamentals right every time.  It can also describe the film itself, which nails the basics of making a slick crime thriller better than just about any other movie has in quite some time. The professional thief is Mike Davis (Chris Hemsworth), a meticulous planner whose jobs never lead to anyone being hurt and are so well executed that nobody even has any idea they are all the work of one man. Nobody that is, except for Mark Ruffalo's Detective Lou Lubesnick, who is determined to catch the "101 Robber" even though his obsession is starting to lead to him being ostracised in the precinct. Both characters come into contact with high value insurance broker Sharon (Halle Berry) as Mike plans a big score and Lou joins the dots in an attempt to track him down. A potential fly in the ointmen...

Lungbuster

With Iron Lung, YouTuber Markiplier, real name Mark Fischbach, becomes the latest content creator to dip his toe into the world of feature film production. His effort is not as accomplished as the work of the Philippou Brothers (creators of Talk to Me and Bring Her Back) but it's a lot more striking and original than last year's Shelby Oaks (directed by YouTube film critic Chris Stuckmann).  The film is based on a relatively niche video game of the same name, which was made by solo developer David Szymanski (who helped with the film's screenplay) and is set inside a submarine exploring an ocean of blood. We follow exactly the same premise here as our protagonist, a convict named Simon, spends the entire runtime welded into a decrepit submersible on a distant moon trying to earn his freedom. What his superiors are specifically looking for is unclear but he is told the blood ocean holds resources vital to the survival of mankind, who has been pushed to the brink of extinctio...

Please Close This Book

  The Strangers-Chapter 3 brings an end to one of the most puzzlingly pointless trilogies of all time. Shot back to back (although this instalment underwent some sizeable reshoots after the tepid reception to Chapter 1), the three entries encompass scarcely enough content to cover a single film and are devoid of scares or ideas. In fairness, this instalment seems like it almost has the genesis of something to say. Almost. If you were lucky enough to miss the previous instalments it won't take long to get you caught up. In Chapter 1, Maya (Madelaine Petsch) ran around in the woods a bit with her boyfriend before he was killed by some mask wearing locals of the backwater town they were visiting. In Chapter 2, she ran around in the woods on her own a bit before managing to kill one her face hiding pursuers.  Here, we pick up straight after Chapter 2 and, after a brief interlude in a church, Maya is capture by lead "Stranger" Gregory. Meanwhile, Maya's sister Debbie and ...

It Sure Does

 Love Hurts is Ke Huy Quan's first ever lead role. After decades out the game and struggling to keep his insurance prior to his Oscar winning turn in "Everything Everywhere, All At Once", you can hardly blame him for taking the chance to front a movie. Unfortunately, in Jonathan Eusabio's directorial debut, he has landed in a misfire. Quan plays Marvin Gable, a cheery real estate agent living his best life as he crushes the sales game and keeps everyone in the office (except for his depressed assistant) happy with his home baking. Unbeknownst to his colleagues he used to be a gangland hitman for his mob boss brother "Knuckles" and when the mysterious Rose, who Marvin was supposed to have killed, remerges, big brother dispatches the goons to get some answers from him. Cue high jinks as Marvin battles henchmen kung fu style while trying to keep his current and past lives from colliding. It's a fun idea but nothing quite comes together in the execution. Th...

There Can Only be One

Trailers for Him had Jordan Peele's name slapped all over them, which is understandable from a marketing point of view. In reality it is simply produced by the"Get Out" directors company, Monkeypaw Productions. It is actually directed by Justin Tipping, from a script he co-wrote with Skip Bronkie and Zak Akers. The prevalence of Peele's name in the advertising means the film is bound to draw unflattering comparisons with his own work, which is a shame as the film has its own merits. Cameron "Cam" Cade (Tyriq Withers) grew up idolising Isaiah White (Marlon Wayans), star quarterback of the San Antonio Saviours. When White suffers a grisly injury during the Super Bowl, Cade's father tells the young fan that real men like his idol make sacrifices for greatness. Fast forward about a decade and a half and Cam is about to be drafted to the NFL, where he is tipped as a potential challenger to White's "Greatest Of All Time" status. When a mascot in ...

Super Money Brothers

The minute an Illumination Super Mario movie was announced you knew what was on the cards and this is is exactly that, a mostly by the numbers crowd pleaser with a focus on easy laughs and merchandising opportunities. The good news is it's about as good a version of that as we were ever going to get. The story begins with Mario and Luigi (Mario Mario and Luigi Mario to give them there full names) trying to boost their fledgling plumbing business by helping out with a massive flood in downtown Brooklyn. This leads to them being sucked into the Mushroom Kingdom, via a green pipe naturally. The film is full of trappings from the game, with power ups, karts and a Princess obsessed Bowser as the antagonist. It does flip things round with Luigi being the damsel (da man sel?) in distress while Peach is fearless leader, probably a necessary change for 2023 . Other Mario staples like Toad and Shy Guys make an appearance and there is a trip to visit "The King of the Kongs" (Ninten...

Fast 10 Your Seat Belts

 Despite suffering from some well established franchise problems Fast X puts it's pedal to the metal to become one of the saga's best entries. No mean feat for a series 10 films and over 20 years in. The set pieces are a tiny bit more grounded than F9 but still ridiculous and a lot more fun. Various members of the crew play live action Rocket League in Rome, drop out of a plane in a "canoe" and engage in a final chase that is much more satisfying than the turn magnet on and off showdown of the previous film. The film also benifits from an increase in star power and better use of its characters. John Cena returns but he plays the character of Jacob Toretto completely differently and is great fun as he embarks on a road trip with his nephew. Jason Statham is back as Decard Shaw, albeit only as a cameo with the promise of more to come. The film really belongs to franchise newcomer Jason Mamoa as Dante Reyes, son of Fast 5 villain Hernan. Leaving his imposing frame to por...