Horoscopes and Horror Tropes

Catching a film like Tarot in the cinema in 2024 is weird. It feels like one of those horror films that just sort of appear on a streaming service. One you find deep in bowels of Amazon Prime, take a chance on and are pleasantly surprised to find is more or less fine. Up on the big screen it's still fine but its shortcomings are made very apparent.

To its credit the film wastes no time in getting to the point. It begins with seven friends in a mansion they rented for one of their birthdays and within the first ten minutes main character Haley has read the group their fortunes from a cursed deck of tarot cards they find in the basement. Once they return home the friends begin to be picked off one by one courtesy of a ghost/monster taking the shape of whichever card was drawn in their reading. Exactly how they kill them is a bit muddled, at first it seems they are scaring their victims into "Final Destination" ing themselves but at other times they become more hands (or saws) on.

This lack of clarity runs throughout the film. Tarot cards are great for ominous sounding names and creepy pictures but beyond that the film makers seem far more interested in zodiac signs so invent a weird mythology where the combination of tarot and horoscope is some sort of super magic. This way they don't have to waste time with character build up and can just assign each character their star sign as personality. Thumbs up for efficiency but it doesn't exactly have you routing for the casts survival, especially with the inane filler dialogue they spout anytime they aren't filling the audience in on exactly what is happening. In fact it's downright disappointing anytime one of them doesn't die. The one exception being Paxton, purely because he is played by Jacob Balton (Ned in the MCU Spiderman films) and his inherent likability has you wanting him to stick around.

Looking forward to characters dying isn't necessarily an issue for a horror film but there aren't enough kills, and they aren't inventive enough to be enjoyable. Tarot is entry level horror so nothing too scary occurs and there isn't any gore, not a problem in itself but when you have a whole deck of cards to inspire the kills someone running in front of a train doesn't really cut it. The feeling of being underwhelmed is reinforced by an air of cheapness. Apart from a brief chat with a cop the seven characters are completely alone, wandering empty streets and corridors. This could be a stylistic choice but combined with the terminally dull lighting it feels like a budget squeeze.

The good things to say about Tarot are that it's competently made and at close to ninety minutes dead on it doesn't take up too much of your time. Compared to some other bargain bin horror out their that's close to a recommendation but it feels made for TV, not the big screen.

5 "this decks kinda strange"s out of 10.

Comments

Mind The Gap

The Phoenician Scheme is a Wes Anderson film. Some people will say that is all the review that is required as all his films are the same. That's a pretty reductive view, not to mention ironic when, in an age of movies becoming increasingly uniform, Anderson is one of precious few filmmakers whose work is wholly distinct from the pack. The fact nobody else can make things look and feel the way he does should be a massive compliment, not a knock. He is revisiting familiar themes here but in a slightly more plot focused way (its certainly more accessible than the meta stylings of previous film, Asteroid City) and while there is the usual galaxy of star names in the cast the story is focused mainly on three characters and one central relationship. Anatole "Zsa-Zsa" Korda (Benicio del Toro) is a wealthy industrialist, enemy of major Western governments and the target of never ending assignation attempts. Determined to see his most ambitious scheme yet through to completion, ...

Dance of Death

John Wick spin off, Ballerina , swaps out Keanu Reaves (mostly) for Ana de Armas but almost everything else remains pretty similar. We still have the intricately choreographed fighting in a dark gloss colour palette, minimal plot propped up by ridiculous lore and the same waffling dialogue. Series die hards rejoice, but for someone who zoned out somewhere during Chapter 3 and was distinctly unimpressed with John Wick 4, these films are becoming something of a chore. Eve Macarro (de Armas) is orphaned at a young age when assassins break into her home in an attempt to abduct her and her father (also an assassin) dies fighting them off. She is then raised by the "Ruska Roma" (more assassins, roughly 40% of the worlds population are assassins in the world of John Wick), who train her in the arts of both ballet and murder. After somebody from the faction that killed her dad attempts to off her, she embarks on a revenge quest, despite being explicitly forbidden from doing so by R...

Romancing The Shark

Dangerous Animals features a psychotic Jai Courtney feeding unsuspecting tourists to sharks and videoing the carnage for his (and possibly other peoples) pleasure. It's an unhinged performance and the film has some of the same sweaty ickiness that permeates classic Australian horror movies. Unfortunately, proceedings are hindered by some cringeworthy dialogue and focus on a hard to buy romance. The film opens with an unsuspecting couple of travellers hiring Courtney's shark diving boat, despite the fact he instantly identifies himself as shady (he literally checks with them that nobody knows where they are), and sure enough, one of them is soon dead and the other a prisoner. We then cut to a meet cute of sorts between hard shelled American drifter Zephyr (Hassie Harrison) and local real estate agent Moses (Josh Heuston). They are stereotypical opposites, her cynical and untethered, him a romantic and stable, but bond over a love of surfing and end up having a one night sta...

Hurry up and (Week)End

The trailers for Hurry Up Tomorrow were fairly enigmatic (although claims to be a "cinematic odyssey" should have raised alarm bells), keeping the exact nature of the film under wraps. They do, however, go big on it being a project from "It Comes at Night" director, Trey Edward Shults. Turns out this is a misdirect since, while Shults does direct and co-write, this is really a baffling vanity project for star, producer and writer, Abel "The Weeknd" Tesfaye. If, like me, you are only vaguely aware of the musical stylings of Mr Weeknd then this monotonous preen is not going to endear him to you. If you are a fan, maybe stick to getting your hands on the accompanying album and leave it at that. In fairness to the musician, he has tried to make something of substance and his pitch must have been fairly compelling as, in addition to Shults on directing duty, he has convinced rising stars Jenna Ortega and Barry Keoghan to get involved. It is nobody concerned...

Family Misfortunes

Final Destination Bloodlines is the sixth instalment in the franchise but the first for fourteen years. Its a bit of an anomaly for a series to take such a long hiatus when the last entry was a resounding financial success, but the break has lead to one of the best Final Destination films to date. The plot is generally the same as always, a premonition leads to a bunch of people escaping their intended death so the Grim Reaper tracks them down and dispatches them in insanely convoluted ways. With the distance between entries making this a quasi reboot, there is a small twist on the formulae. This time round, the main character has dreams of their estranged grandmother saving hundreds from a disaster in her youth. Turns out Death has been working his way through the survivors for years, with granny holding him at bay (by isolating in the most dangerous looking shack known to man) for years. Now all her descendants are on the chopping block, making this a family affair rather than the u...

Guardians of the Dungeon

"The Marvel Formula" has become something of a derogatory term in recent years. However, there is a reason glib, self-aware, banter loving heroes embarking on straight forward quests that juggle grand stakes with humour has been the dominant box office flavour for over a decade. Done well it works, and Dungeons and Dragons : Honour Among Theives does it better than the mouse house has in years. The story is a simple one, a rag tag bunch of thinly drawn but likeable miss fits must pull of a heist to rescue the estranged daughter of their (by default) leader. Chris Pine shows he can do the humorous action lead as well as either of the Marvel Chris' and Michelle Rodriguez does stoic warrior as well as you would expect with the two having good chemistry as long time friends/partners in crime. They are joined by Justice Smith's mediocre magician and Sophiia Lillis as a human sceptic shape shifter, the two also making up the obligatory romance story. The main antagonist is...

A Family Account

Considering its lead character is (among many other things) a mathematical genius, it sure took the film makers a long time to crunch the numbers on a sequel to 2016's "The Accountant". Still, better late than never and The Accountant 2 is a blast, even if it is a very different film than its predecessor. Ben Affleck returns as Christian Wolf, an autistic accountant \ one man army who is about the only person more dangerous than the people he cooks the books for. When Raymond King (J.K Simmons) is killed, his successor as Deputy Director of the Treasury Department, Marybeth Medina (Cynthia Addai-Robinson), calls in Wolf to help her crack the case her former boss was working on. It isn't long before Jon Bernthal's Braxton (Christian's estranged brother) joins the party and the trio embark on an absolutely non sensical investigation involving human traffickers and acquired savant syndrome. The first movie padded out it central story with a side plot of Simmo...

Maybe Shark

Before you watch Meg 2 : The Trench you need to ask yourself one question, do I like giant sharks tearing stuff up? If the answer is yes then this might not be the film for you. The first Meg film was something of a sleeper hit, suggesting people quite like watching giant sharks. The marketing for this film suggests the studio know people quite like giant sharks but they don't seem to have passed that information along to the people actually making the film since, after a brief introduction, the megs (and the cool giant octopus from the trailer) are mostly relagated to final part of the movie. Instead what you get is a series of bland, human focused, action set pieces. There's some dimly lit plodding through the titular trench, like a less good version of 2020 's Underwater. Then there's some guys with guns running around a research station like a really crap Die Hard. Even the creature focused final act focuses as much on some dog sized land lizards (evolution has ...

Nightmare Allley is Quality Street

A hard film to talk about given the trailer gives so little away. It's essentially a tale of grifters and how far you can take a con wrapped in Del Toro trappings that make it feel like a horror. The story itself isn't anything particularly new and could be forgetable in lesser hands. Fortunately there is no danger of that happening here, with the talent behind the camera you know its going to look great and the quality and confidence of the script means everything unfolds at just the right pace. When you have actors the calibre of Toni Colette and Willem Defoe filling relatively small roles you know your cast is of the highest calibre. Bradley Cooper is probably too old to play the ambitious young upstart but he's so committed and charismatic that it doesn't matter and Cate Blanchett is perfect as his final accomplice come nemesis, glamorous/alluring and cold/menacing in equal measure. Doesn't reinvent the wheel but when the wheel turns this smoothly why would you...

Stabman and Robin

You can't accuse the makers of this new Halloween trilogy of playing it safe. After the crowd pleasing beats of Halloween 2018 and the carnage of last years Halloween Kills things here begin much more sedately, shelving Micheal entirely for the first part of the movie and building up a new antagonist. After the opening scene Halloween Ends picks up four years later then the events of the last two films and focuses on the impact Micheal Myers' (who hasn't been seen since) rampage has had on the town of Hadenfield and its inhabitants. This is a bold change of pace and the idea it sets up is interesting but the movie struggles to pull it off, largely due to lackluster characters. Allyson in particular seems to have become an idiot over the intervening years in order ti help drive the plot forward. Had they spread the developments of the film over a longer time frame rather than a couple of days it might have been more successful. As it is, vague allusions to the nature of ev...

Dan Says its Alright

Search This Blog