Skip to main content

Little Dead Flying Blood

 


Abigail sees a bunch of career criminals locked in a mansion and forced to face off against a little girl ballerina who just happens to also be a centuries old vampire. It's ridiculously over the top and seasoned with lashings of gore but is never quite as much fun as you think it should be.

The film begins with the kidnapping of Abigail (Alisha Weir) by a motley crew of crims led by Dan Stevens and consisting of Melissa Barrera (the main protagonist), Angus Cloud (idiot of the group), Kathryn Newton (rich girl here for kicks), Kevin Durand (big guy) and Will Catlett (ex military guy). They take her to a secluded mansion where Giancarlo Esposito tells them to sit tight for 24 hours while he collects a bounty from the girls wealthy father. Turns out the little girl is actually a vampire and the diminutive bloodsucker soon turns their expected pay day into a fight for survival. 

It's a pity Abigail was released at a time when trailers feel they have to spell out exactly what a film is about in order to get bums in seats. Obviously vampire ballerina sells more tickets than mysterious crime film about a kidnapping but the advertising has robbed the movie of one of its best tools. The first act focuses on the group slowly realising they have been set up when Abigail reveals her dad is a feared crime lord who there is zero chance of getting a pay out from and when people start dropping dead they first suspect they are being picked off by a legendary hitman in the employ of the girl's father.  A paranoia filled 10-15 minutes about which of the crew is working against the rest could have been one of the most fun sections of the film and would have ended in a killer reveal but with everything laid out by the marketing it just feels like needless filler. 

The cast of characters themselves are entertaining enough (especially Stevens and Newton) but a problem arrises when you realise they aren't there simply to get pulled apart but you're actually expected to root for at least one of the child snatchers. Note to film makers, simply saying a character is a parent (especially a dead beat one) doesn't instantly excuse their bad actions. In fact, when said bad actions are drugging and abducting someone else's child it actually makes them seem worse. The failed attempt at garnering empathy really comes home to roost in a muddled ending that needlessly attempts to tie up all the guts and silliness in a feel good message about parenting.

There is still plenty of enjoyment to be had with film. As mentioned above, the characters are pretty entertaining and there are some gory and fun set pieces, particularly an early botched attempt at slaying the diminutive bloodsucker. Speaking of which, Alisha Weir is a superstar. About as far removed from her all singing, all dancing (well all singing anyway) performance in Matilda The Musical as you can imagine she is convincing as the scared victim but absolutely revels in her murderous turn, tormenting her captors turned captives with terrifying glee. 

So there is fun to be had but Abigail doesn't quite come together to be more than the sum of its parts and some questionable choices keep it from rising above the reasonably entertaining category. 

6 levitating pirouettes out 10

  


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Dance of Death

John Wick spin off,  Ballerina , swaps out Keanu Reaves (mostly) for Ana de Armas but almost everything else remains pretty similar. We still have the intricately choreographed fighting in a dark gloss colour palette, minimal plot propped up by ridiculous lore and the same waffling dialogue. Series die hards rejoice, but for someone who zoned out somewhere during Chapter 3 and was distinctly unimpressed with John Wick 4, these films are becoming something of a chore. Eve Macarro (de Armas) is orphaned at a young age when assassins break into her home in an attempt to abduct her and her father (also an assassin) dies fighting them off. She is then raised by the "Ruska Roma" (more assassins, roughly 40% of the worlds population are assassins in the world of John Wick), who train her in the arts of both ballet and murder. After somebody from the faction that killed her dad attempts to off her, she embarks on a revenge quest, despite being explicitly forbidden from doing so by R...

Romancing The Shark

  Dangerous Animals features a psychotic Jai Courtney feeding unsuspecting tourists to sharks and videoing the carnage for his (and possibly other peoples) pleasure. It's an unhinged performance and the film has some of the same sweaty ickiness that permeates classic Australian horror movies. Unfortunately, proceedings are hindered by some cringeworthy dialogue and focus on a hard to buy romance. The film opens with an unsuspecting couple of travellers hiring Courtney's shark diving boat, despite the fact he instantly identifies himself as shady (he literally checks with them that nobody knows where they are), and sure enough, one of them is soon dead and the other a prisoner.  We then cut to a meet cute of sorts between hard shelled American drifter Zephyr (Hassie Harrison) and local real estate agent Moses (Josh Heuston). They are stereotypical opposites, her cynical and untethered, him a romantic and stable, but bond over a love of surfing and end up having a one night sta...

Guardians of the Dungeon

 "The Marvel Formula" has become something of a derogatory term in recent years. However, there is a reason glib, self-aware, banter loving heroes embarking on straight forward quests that juggle grand stakes with humour has been the dominant box office flavour for over a decade. Done well it works, and Dungeons and Dragons : Honour Among Theives does it better than the mouse house has in years. The story is a simple one, a rag tag bunch of thinly drawn but likeable miss fits must pull of a heist to rescue the estranged daughter of their (by default) leader. Chris Pine shows he can do the humorous action lead as well as either of the Marvel Chris' and Michelle Rodriguez does stoic warrior as well as you would expect with the two having good chemistry as long time friends/partners in crime. They are joined by Justice Smith's mediocre magician and Sophiia Lillis as a human sceptic shape shifter, the two also making up the obligatory romance story. The main antagonist is...

Mind The Gap

The Phoenician Scheme is a Wes Anderson film. Some people will say that is all the review that is required as all his films are the same. That's a pretty reductive view, not to mention ironic when, in an age of movies becoming increasingly uniform, Anderson is one of precious few filmmakers whose work is wholly distinct from the pack. The fact nobody else can make things look and feel the way he does should be a massive compliment, not a knock. He is revisiting familiar themes here but in a slightly more plot focused way (its certainly more accessible than the meta stylings of previous film, Asteroid City) and while there is the usual galaxy of star names in the cast the story is focused mainly on three characters and one central relationship. Anatole "Zsa-Zsa" Korda (Benicio del Toro)  is a wealthy industrialist, enemy of major Western governments and the target of never ending assignation attempts. Determined to see his most ambitious scheme yet through to completion, ...

Maybe Shark

  Before you watch Meg 2 : The Trench you need to ask yourself one question, do I like giant sharks tearing stuff up? If the answer is yes then this might not be the film for you. The first Meg film was something of a sleeper hit, suggesting people quite like watching giant sharks. The marketing for this film suggests the studio know people quite like giant sharks but they don't seem to have passed that information along to the people actually making the film since, after a brief introduction, the megs (and the cool giant octopus from the trailer) are mostly relagated to final part of the movie. Instead what you get is a series of bland, human focused, action set pieces. There's some dimly lit plodding through the titular trench, like a less good version of 2020 's Underwater. Then there's some guys with guns running around a research station like a really crap Die Hard. Even the creature focused final act focuses as much on some dog sized land lizards (evolution has ...

Nightmare Allley is Quality Street

 A hard film to talk about given the trailer gives so little away. It's essentially a tale of grifters and how far you can take a con wrapped in Del Toro trappings that make it feel like a horror. The story itself isn't anything particularly new and could be forgetable in lesser hands. Fortunately there is no danger of that happening here, with the talent behind the camera you know its going to look great and the quality and confidence of the script means everything unfolds at just the right pace. When you have actors the calibre of Toni Colette and Willem Defoe filling relatively small roles you know your cast is of the highest calibre. Bradley Cooper is probably too old to play the ambitious young upstart but he's so committed and charismatic that it doesn't matter and Cate Blanchett is perfect as his final accomplice come nemesis, glamorous/alluring and cold/menacing in equal measure. Doesn't reinvent the wheel but when the wheel turns this smoothly why would you...

Can't Surf On Our Turf

The Surfer is a 70's style,  psychedelic, psychological thriller set entirely on a beach and adjoining car park. Nicholas Cage is the eponymous character who may or may not be losing (or already have lost) his mind. It is simultaneously playfully fun and ickily unpleasant.  Cage (his character is not named) takes his teenage son surfing, his plan being to show off the fancy clifftop pad he is in the process of buying, which also happens to be the house he grew up in. He doesn't get the chance however, as a group of alpha male surf bros have taken over the beach and declared it for local use only. His son returns to school, but Cage stays in the car park, determined to finalise his house deal and find out what is going on with Julian McMahon and his cult like band of beach thugs. Suffering a series of mishaps, he ends up stranded in the car park, and the baking heat, for days and begins to resemble the local hobo more than the successful businessman he began as.  Two thin...

A Family Account

  Considering its lead character is (among many other things) a mathematical genius, it sure took the film makers a long time to crunch the numbers on a sequel to 2016's "The Accountant". Still, better late than never and The Accountant 2 is a blast, even if it is a very different film than its predecessor. Ben Affleck returns as Christian Wolf, an autistic accountant \ one man army who is about the only person more dangerous than the people he cooks the books for. When Raymond King (J.K Simmons) is killed, his successor as Deputy Director of the Treasury Department, Marybeth Medina (Cynthia Addai-Robinson), calls in Wolf to help her crack the case her former boss was working on. It isn't long before Jon Bernthal's Braxton (Christian's estranged brother) joins the party and the trio embark on an absolutely non sensical investigation involving human traffickers and acquired savant syndrome.  The first movie padded out it central story with a side plot of Simmo...

Hurry up and (Week)End

  The trailers for Hurry Up Tomorrow were fairly enigmatic (although claims to be a "cinematic odyssey" should have raised alarm bells), keeping the exact nature of the film under wraps. They do, however,  go big on it being a project from "It Comes at Night" director, Trey Edward Shults. Turns out this is a misdirect since, while Shults does direct and co-write, this is really a baffling vanity project for star, producer and writer, Abel "The Weeknd" Tesfaye. If, like me, you are only vaguely aware of the musical stylings of Mr Weeknd then this monotonous preen is not going to endear him to you. If you are a fan, maybe stick to getting your hands on the accompanying album and leave it at that. In fairness to the musician, he has tried to make something of substance and his pitch must have been fairly compelling as, in addition to Shults on directing duty, he has convinced rising stars Jenna Ortega and Barry Keoghan to get involved. It is nobody concerned...

Family Misfortunes

Final Destination Bloodlines is the sixth instalment in the franchise but the first for fourteen years. Its a bit of an anomaly for a series to take such a long hiatus when the last entry was a resounding financial success, but the break has lead to one of the best Final Destination films to date. The plot is generally the same as always, a premonition leads to a bunch of people escaping their intended death so the Grim Reaper tracks them down and dispatches them in insanely convoluted ways. With the distance between entries making this a quasi reboot, there is a small twist on the formulae. This time round, the main character has dreams of their estranged grandmother saving hundreds from a disaster in her youth. Turns out Death has been working his way through the survivors for years, with granny holding him at bay (by isolating in the most dangerous looking shack known to man) for years. Now all her descendants are on the chopping block, making this a family affair rather than the u...